I am trying yoga on for size in hopes that I can calm my restless spirit and be present in the moment.
After a lifetime of military moving, I am usually researching about my future life in a new location, OR I am clinging to the feel-good moments and friendships from my past life, OR I am in a holding pattern of “making the best of it” in my current, temporary home. I’m always living in the past or living in the future. Very rarely am I actually living in the present, in the here and now.
I struggle to be present.
Add that I make myself busy to fill the empty spaces.
I jump right in to make a Life: there are always places to see, people to meet. My #1 concern, always, are my children. For them, I minimize the challenges of a fleeting lifestyle. For them, I embrace this constant moving as the Adventure that it is. But after years of moving, I unfortunately show up with a lot of dashed dreams, high expectations, worry, and projections of my own. The constant moving has caught up to me.
Several years ago, I wanted to keep my life in DC but didn’t know how to make that happen, considering I had no independent economic means to sustain that particular lifestyle.
I was reluctantly dragged back to Texas (and reluctantly doesn’t even adequately describe my displeasure of returning to the Land of Boots & Brisket) where, once again, I made the best of it. My marriage and my self-identity were on shaky ground, but we kept ourselves too busy to adequately address it. I was also holding on to the DC dream tightly to get me through it, with the high hope of returning.
After 2 years, we received assignment notification to DC, only to be crushed when the Hubby was redirected to Alabama. The entourage must follow. I wasn’t staying in Texas, but I still didn’t have economic or career sustainability to make any other realistic choice but to follow.
We arrived in the charming Deep South, knowing our time here would be less than one year, but I jumped right into Life anyway. I had a lovely time in Montgomery. Admittedly, my expectations were low. Not so much that it was Alabama, but how much connections/acceptance/establishing routine can you really do, when by the time you unpack and feel settled (3-6 months), it’s about that time to shift attention to the next assignment! I was still holding on, although less tightly, to the DC dream and all the possibility it offers. I am a slow learner on military life, especially when blinded by my own hopes. I ignored the cautionary wisdom from Hubby that nothing is ever set in stone, even though all assignment discussions were seemingly directed that we would soon be DC-bound.
Cue the dramatic music. “In a world, where the Invisible Hand of Military Assignments controls your Life…”
I have now, finally, given up on the DC dream.
Only because now I live in Paradise.
Paradise doesn’t change the fact that I still struggle to be present, but living in Hawaii certainly does make living in the moment much easier.
Life is now nudging me to explore Yoga, even though I find the practice incredibly difficult. Yet I am drawn to it to see if I am able to tame my restlessness. I am forever in search for calm and acceptance, and to learn to control what I can (which isn’t much). On the mat, I live in the moment, and I can acknowledge what is.
My hope is to become more comfortable with what is and to stop wishing for what isn’t.
Are you held back by wishful thinking?
Aloha!
Valerie
Perpetual Newcomer 